Marijuana: vessel of apathy, Cheetos

"Hey man, what are you doing Friday night?" "I dunno, just chillin'."

I show up, expecting to hang around and listen to music and I am disappointed at the scene I arrive to: three or four guys, sitting in a circle drooling on themselves and wreaking of pot.

Ganja, buddha, chronic, hippie lettuce, Darren Popovich, doobage, and my personal favorite: gang dang.

I don't have a problem with pot. I know a lot of functional members of society who smoke regularly and do just as well as, or better than, their sober counterparts.

However, I also know a great number of people who do exactly what I just illustrated: they smoke pot and they stare at the wall, at themselves or blankly at the TV for hours.

This isn't an anti-smoking ad. No, you're not going to set your car on fire. The dog is not going to talk to you and you're not going to become a homicidal maniac like Reefer Madness would have you believe. No. You're going to just sit around. "Screw creative humor, we can just get high and then the couch is funny!"

It isn't tough, it isn't rock'n'roll and it isn't elite. It is moronic. There is nothing more pathetic than someone sprawled out on the couch with bloodshot eyes, giggling for no reason.

Again, I'm not talking about pot smokers who live their lives and are productive, intelligent members of society. I'm talking about the drool factories that get blazed out of their minds and sit.

Nothing else. Nothing violent. Nothing awful. Just sitting. Sitting contently. Content to be bored. Contentment, my friends, is the opiate of the masses.

And then there is the eating. Giggling about how you have the munchies isn't going to make me think you're cool. Yeah, man, look at how rebellious you are by smoking up and eating an unnatural amount of corporate snack food. Then you can go be totally sweet and watch Aqua Teen Hunger Force and marvel at the depth of the humor. Go you.

Moderation is the key to anything. Drinking far too much and indiscriminately spreading your seed around is no better. I'm not promoting heavy drinking as a substitute. So go ahead. Smoke. Smoke all you want. Smoke until your thoughts are so scattered you can't do anything but wonder at…wait…what?

Go ahead and smoke. You are nothing more impressive than the town drunk.

I've been told recently that I am pretentious and think I am above everyone else. I don't, but, if you're that guy, that guy that sits, day in and day out, and devotes his existence to the next time he's going to smoke a bowl, then yes, I do think I'm above you because you're a waste of life.